I'm Not Gay.

I'm off to a wake today. It's for my friend's mom who endured a very long battle with cancer. I feel really badly for him and for his family because death is excruciating and it changes everything. That being said, I feel foolish with the minutia that has kept me from this site and from being creative, but I'll tell you all about it.

If you know me, you probably know about the girl. Nothing in depth, of course. Just what I really thought about her and about what I thought she meant for my life. Unfortunately, I was totally and completely wrong and that has been nearly impossible to accept. No fault of hers, we were just both on different pages. I think that the truth is that I was reading a different book. It was really good until I had to close it and put it back on the shelf. Anyway, some day I'll write about it or something.

However. Part of the issue with all of that is that when you let yourself get in THAT deep with someone (like more than you ever have or thought you could) and then it doesn't work out, you find yourself not caring. At least I did. And because I wasn't caring, last week I had a really bad night and almost made some colossal mistakes. Luckily I left the place I was at and I had some people talk me down from the ledge the next day, but it was almost a disaster. Then I took two days out of work to prep and REALLY work on my set for a show on Friday. A new thing for me. Hard work. Anyway, due to a few issues with the timing of the show, my set was cut and I didn't get to do any of the set I had intended. The worst of it is that the show was SHIT. There is no other word to describe it. It was absolute SHIT.

So there it is. Girl. Wah wah wah. Jokes. Wah wah wah. The one good thing that came out of it is that since my friend's mom has passed, it's given me that reminder again about, "Hey, we all die someday. What are you gonna do before then?" I thought about that and realized that there was one thing that has always held me back. And it's my own cowardice. I've never really been myself because I'm often acting in an attempt to please everyone around me. Family, friends, co-workers. Almost none of them know me at all. They just know the guy who does whatever he can to make them happy. And I'm done being that guy because he fucking hates himself.

No, I'm not gay, I'm just not really the guy you think I am. And I don't think I'm going to lie about that anymore.

As you were.