I'm off to a wake today. It's for my friend's mom who endured a very long battle with cancer. I feel really badly for him and for his family because death is excruciating and it changes everything. That being said, I feel foolish with the minutia that has kept me from this site and from being creative, but I'll tell you all about it.
If you know me, you probably know about the girl. Nothing in depth, of course. Just what I really thought about her and about what I thought she meant for my life. Unfortunately, I was totally and completely wrong and that has been nearly impossible to accept. No fault of hers, we were just both on different pages. I think that the truth is that I was reading a different book. It was really good until I had to close it and put it back on the shelf. Anyway, some day I'll write about it or something.
However. Part of the issue with all of that is that when you let yourself get in THAT deep with someone (like more than you ever have or thought you could) and then it doesn't work out, you find yourself not caring. At least I did. And because I wasn't caring, last week I had a really bad night and almost made some colossal mistakes. Luckily I left the place I was at and I had some people talk me down from the ledge the next day, but it was almost a disaster. Then I took two days out of work to prep and REALLY work on my set for a show on Friday. A new thing for me. Hard work. Anyway, due to a few issues with the timing of the show, my set was cut and I didn't get to do any of the set I had intended. The worst of it is that the show was SHIT. There is no other word to describe it. It was absolute SHIT.
So there it is. Girl. Wah wah wah. Jokes. Wah wah wah. The one good thing that came out of it is that since my friend's mom has passed, it's given me that reminder again about, "Hey, we all die someday. What are you gonna do before then?" I thought about that and realized that there was one thing that has always held me back. And it's my own cowardice. I've never really been myself because I'm often acting in an attempt to please everyone around me. Family, friends, co-workers. Almost none of them know me at all. They just know the guy who does whatever he can to make them happy. And I'm done being that guy because he fucking hates himself.
No, I'm not gay, I'm just not really the guy you think I am. And I don't think I'm going to lie about that anymore.
Sorry that I haven't posted anything in a little while. Typically January and February are both months where I get a little depressed, a little uninspired, and fall of the radar while rediscovering my love of Playstation (*see Fallout 3), scotch, and being unproductive.
Then I decided I should post at least a little something. Dark'n'dreary winter or not, I am still always fighting off the electric light circus parade that is my relentlessly useless stream of conscious thought. So here's a photo I snapped a while back.
"DO NOT WORKING". Straight from the parchment of kings to the eyes and ears of the uninspired, underpriviledged, and spiritually malnourished masses of everydayers. I can only hope that this sign is supposed to mean "DO NOT WORKING" and not "DONUT WORKING", because even though the first one doesn't make sense, it actually makes sense. And I really don't want to know what the second one means.
No matter what you name your soda, it will always be the very bottom rung of shitty soda options. You and your sodas are flat-out terrible. How terrible? Let's put it this way. Wal-Mart looks at your soda selection thinks, "All I can say is, 'thank goodness we aren't Walgreens'". Does that about sum it up?
You seem rather bragadocious in your assessment here. "Refreshing Diet Cola"? Talk about being arrogant and presumptuous. I also love the (partially hidden) "Orchard Grape" flavor. Someone at your company actually got paid to make the decision to APPROVE these flavor names.
"Listen people! This is Walgreens! We haven't struggled through generation after generation of appealing to white trash (John Porch, guilty as charged) to lose the soda wars, goddamnit! We are NOT some bottom-of-the-barrel soda distributor! (*they are) We're going with 'Refreshing Diet Cola' and 'Orchard Grape'. Why? Well let's face it. When people are choking down one of our classic Walgreens diet colas they think 'refreshing' and when they stuggle through enduring one of our grape sodas they think 'yeah this is that artificial grape flavor, but somehow it still tastes straight from the orchard'".
Actually when people think of your diet cola they think "no thanks" and when they think of your grape soda they think "Orchard Grape, AKA 20 oz of AIDS".
I'd like to go on record and admit my own intellectual shortcomings, but my opinion is that the names of your products are almost as bad as your attempt to actually make them appealing.
If you watched the final episode of The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, then you know how completely incredible his farewell was. It was only a seven month stint on the program, but it felt like Conan was signing off the air forever.
As he always has when all the chips are on the table, he and his staff produced on of the best episodes of any television program I've ever seen, which included this guest appearance from another VIP, Neil Young.
Conan, thanks a million, buddy. See you in the fall.
My first post of the year was going to be about The Simpsons celebrating their 20th anniversary and how that show has made me happier than most everything else in my life. In wanting to do it a justice, I was taking my time with it to ensure that what I wrote would be a suitable homage to the show. Unfortunately, my first post of the year will not be about The Simpsons, but will instead be about how NBC and Jay Leno blatantly robbed Conan O'Brien.
When I was seven years old, I gave a friend of mine one of my ninja turtles. I was in a good mood and it seemed like a nice gesture at the time. The problem with seven year old kids is that they don't think long-term and I quickly realized that I still really wanted that ninja turtle. A few days later, I asked my friend if I could have it back and, although he didn't like the idea, he gave it back to me. But even at seven years old, I felt awful asking for it and felt even worse when I actually had it again. It was the first time in entire life that I felt ashamed of something I had done. My mom caught wind of it and told me to return it to my friend and when I asked why, she explained that I had to give it back because it no longer belonged to me.
Conan O'Brien is someone that I have admired for nearly half of my life. I won't sit here and pretend that I have a Conan tattoo or that I have seen every episode of his program, but he is someone I have always put quite a bit of stock in. Frankly speaking, I think he is the greatest talent on television today. But even if you put aside all of his brilliance, wit, enthusiasm, sheer ability, and passion for what he does, I think that what I've admired most about him is the fact that he has never forgotten who he is. He has always been honest about how he arrived, candid about the fact that he knows Lorne Michaels took a great risk with him, humble about the enormous success he has seen, and sincere about how lucky he feels to do what he does and how much he truly loves doing it. I feel like a lot of people who succeed lose touch with who they really are, but Conan has always stuck to his guns. He has always taken the time to point out the people who've helped him get to where he is and, until recently, one of those people was Jay Leno.
Unless he is contractually bound to do what he is doing (doubtful since he hasn't come out and said that), what Jay Leno is doing right now is totally and completely wrong. Jay Leno was the host of The Tonight Show for a very long time and some will say he stole that job (*see David Letterman). Others will will tell you that he worked really hard and that he deserved to get it. No matter which way you lean on that, the fact remains that Jay Leno already had his time. When he had his final episode (or so we all thought) he brought Conan on his show as a guest and, in what I thought was a very classy, heartfelt, and touching segment, passed The Tonight Show torch into Conan's eager hands. It was clear that Conan was thrilled and honored and Leno, while nostalgic, seemed proud to be leaving the ship's helm to a very capable captain.
Howard Stern has been an avid Leno-hater for years and I never quite understood why he hated the man as much as he does. Say what you will about Howard, but one thing the guy doesn't do is pull any punches and he has always stood by his opinion that Jay Leno is a rat bastard. After watching the events of this past week unfold I will go on record and state that Howard Stern was absolutely 100% correct. Jay Leno stabbed Conan O'Brien square in the back and he did it in front of the entire entertainment world. At seven years old, I felt bad about taking a ninja turtle action figure, but at 59 years old, Jay Leno has absolutely noproblem whatsoever taking The Tonight Show away from Conan O'Brien.
When he was given his ultimatum, Conan wrote a very sincere letter and submitted it to the New York Times. He talked of his dream to host The Tonight Show and how hard he and his staff worked to make that happen. He went on to explain why he would not be hosting the show if it was moved out of it's time slot and how disappointed he was that he was losing the job that he worked his whole life to secure. But where is Jay Leno's letter? Why hasn't Jay Leno stepped in to clear the air and defend himself? It's actually very simple. Jay Leno knows that he is completely wrong and he has no grounds on which to defend himself. He is well aware that you don't give something away only to take it back. He knows that you don't land one of the greatest gigs in the world and proudly (obviously he was merely acting) hand it off to someone that is your "friend", only to take that dream job back from them. That is precisely why he has not and will not address the situation. Jay Leno knows he is wrong, but he still dons that BS, lispy smile.
I don't know Jay Leno, but all that I do about him is that I will never trust anything that comes out of his mouth ever again. Going solely on what I can see unfolding from this current debacle is that he is a two-faced liar who clearly has less regard for his "friends" than he does moral compass: a coward who wheels and deals for himself under the guise of a friend, all the while hiding behind a falsified, nice-guy front.
That being said, THANK YOU, Jimmy Kimmel, for calling him out and exposing him for the fraud that he truly is. The video is about halfway down the page. Just look at Leno. He can't do anything but laugh at all of the things Jimmy is saying because he knows they're true.
Times like these make me think that it is very unfortunate that I am not wealthy. If I had the money, I would also submit a full page ad to the New York Times.
Dear Jay Leno and NBC,
You lied to Conan O'Brien and spit straight into the face of tradition. You should be ashamed of yourselves and I sincerely hope to see you go down in flames.
I have no time to write this now, so I'll keep it brief. This was a really bad year for me. Simply put, 2009 was one of the worst years of my entire life. It was riddled with depression, anger, and copious amounts of drama and I couldn't be happier that it's finally come to an end.
This song is a large part of what carried me to the finish line.
Here is to a new year full of success, happiness, health, and laughter for all of us.
Let's say I found a time machine. Let's just say. And let's say, for the sake of argument, it only allowed me to travel back and forth through time once before it self destructed. I mean, talk about a moral and logistical nightmare dilema super soul test. I've probably done 74 stupid things a day since 1994, so I could probably stand to go back and fix a few of them. Actually, now that I think about it, it's probably been 174 stupid things a day and it's actually probably been since 1991, so I would need a time machine with some more mileage to even put a dent in what I should have done differently in my life. Maybe a nice Japanese model with long life. If they're half as good at time machine development as they are at making superior cars, I'd definitely buy some stock in Taimu Turabaru (sound it out in a Japanese accent) corporation. But even if I didn't go back and try to change something in my own life, I could always also do something noble like go back and save someone's life or stop some heinous atrocity or something. Maybe see some dinosaurs. High five Aristotle. Laugh at Paris Hilton in jail. You know, something cool.
Most people don't know this, but in 1988, Nintendo of America made a really sneaky and business-savy move. They knew the American public wanted more Super Mario Bros, but the sequel was considered too difficult and too similar to the orignal game that they decided not to give them the REAL Super Mario Bros 2. Instead, they took this totally unrelated game called Doki Doki Panic, removed all of the playable characters, replaced those characters with Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Princess Toadstool, and they called it Super Mario Bros 2. I know that this story is both A.) the nerdiest thing you've ever heard, and B.) sounds ridiculous, but it's all completely true. If you don't believe me, look here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Mario_Bros._2
Not only did Nintendo pull a fast one on the American public, but the ad campaign for this video game was the tastiest brainwash that had ever been concocted for an 8 year old mind. I vividly remember watching the commercial and my boy Mario was going OFF! Throwing bombs around, flying on magic carpets, picking stuff up off the gound and throwing it at bad guys. The guy was on FIRE! He didn't do that stuff in the first game! Dude. Sign me the F up. And oooooh SHIT! You could play as his friends! Luigi! Toad! The Princess. Eh, that's kinda gay, but strangley, I really want to try it out! And I remember (really really still have this vivid memory etched in my brain) after I watched the ad, I marched into the kitchen and in my 8 year old Boston accent I said, "Mum. I just saw this comurshil on TV that showed Mah-rio flyin' and drawpin' bombs, and throwin' bad guys and stuff. It was AWESOME! I rilly need to tawk to ya about this game, but first I gutta go change my pants. So put on some cawfee and when I come back I need to modify my Christmas list." And modify it I did. Super Mario Bros 2 became the ONLY thing I thought about. I talked about it with my friends, dreamt about it, daydreamt about it (screw daydreamed, I'm using daydreamt), drew pictures of it, etc. It was all my 8 year old heart desired and if I could only have that game, life would be fine forever and I would never want anything else again. Really. It became the meaning of life. Simple as that. Actually, it was nice to have that kind of clairvoyance. I've never had it back, but I know it exists and it's that fact alone that keeps me going.
Ever heard of a shortage? That's where something is in low supply and the supplier cannot meet the needs of their clients. Sucks huh? Well, that's what I was told happened in 1988. My mom told me that there was a shortage of video game microchips and that there would likely be no way that I would get Super Mario Bros 2 for Christmas. Santa's elves couldn't make them, Nintendo coudln't crank them out, and there would be a shortage of Super Mario Bros 2 for a long time. No worries, ma. I'm on it.
Produce cyandie capsule. Open mouth. Insert. Chew. Chew, you fairy. Chew it like you mean it! CHEW YOU BASTARD!
Christmas Eve. Don't those two words automatically grab you? I think it's funny that no matter WHAT story you're telling, the fact that it was Christmas Eve enhances the story. "Dude, one time, I was readin' a book. It was Christmas Eve, right?" See? Aren't you interested to see what happened? I'm already sold on it. Anyway.
My great aunt Jean and great uncle Johnnie (on my mom's side) have basically acted as grandparents for my siblings and me. My mom's folks passed when I was really young and although I remember all happy things about them, I have only a handful of memories about my grandfather. Even fewer of my grandmother. But I've always been surrounded by the greatest people and I've luckily had about 3 or 4 grannies and grampas to backfill. Jean and Johnnie were the two that always got my brother and I our "big present". Don't know why or how that started, but things just unraveled that way. Over the years they (and the rest of my family) always came through and in 1988, they didn't disappoint. I remember it was Christmas Eve (calm down) and Scott and I got some clothes and toys and smaller things, but then aunt Jean said, "You and Scotty need to open this one together" and she held up a small bag.
We both reached in and slowly pulled out a box that was covered in tissue paper. From where I was standing, I was looking at the back of the box and Scott was looking at the front. On my side, the tissue paper was folded so that I could clearly see Mario, but I thought the game was Super Mario Bros, which was a game we already had. I immediately felt horrible because I knew that once Jean found out we had the game already, she'd be kicking herself and would be REALLY upset that she didn't get the game we had asked for, so I feigned a huge reaction. I screamed, "Super Mario Bothers!" and tried to maintain a huge false excitement so that my aunt wouldn't feel bad. Even at 8 years old, I knew how seriously she took this stuff. Then Scott screamed.
"TWO!"
What? Shut the F up, Scott.
The entire world went in slow motion. Scott ripped the tissue paper off of the game and the bag fell like the coffee cup in The Usual Suspects.
No WAY this was Super Mario Bros 2. Microchip shortage. Not getting it for Christmas. Maybe next year. All of those things went swirling from my mind like water down a drain as Scott and I stood there and held the video game we had hoped for. It was really there in our living room. We were actually holding it. I almost spontaneously combusted.
I remember losing my mind (with Scott) and hugging everyone in the room. We took off sdown the hallway cheering and running to the TV room to finally play this game that I had dreamt about and thought about and talked about for months. My dad, who will forever be a ballbuster, yelled after us, "Hey I'm watching football in there!!!!" But he wasn't nor would he be. It was a Super Mario Bros 2 night and it was one of the happiest moments I've ever had.
As it turns out, my aunt waited outside of a store before it opened to get the game, but wasn't issued a number by the clerks because there were none left to issue. So she waited outside the store offering to buy the copies that customers had already bought. I don't know what she paid for it, but that thought has never left my mind. She and my uncle cared so much about us, that they asked strangers to buy a video game from them for a higher price than they paid for it. And they actually got a copy. To this day I'm humbled. And as much as I still appreciate it to this day, it honestly makes me sad that I'll never be able to return that favor.
We were never rich or even well off, but I was always taken care of and I never went without anything. I was fortunate that my family always made Christmas a really special and really happy time . When I was a kid, everything used to make me happy and I was bascially happy all the time. Then I got older, life got more complicated, people started to be dicks, and I had less and less time for myself and enjoyed life much less than I once did. Suddenly I woke up one day and I was an adult with a job and bills and stress. Square that every year and you have me now, and now very few things make me happy. There are maybe about five seconds a year where I get that same feeling I had when I was a kid and I got to open Super Mario Bros 2. I really miss those days when I could get excited and happy about the little things. That being said, if I had that time machine right now, I'd got back to Christmas Eve of 1988 and relive that moment, because I have seldom been happier than that in my entire life. And I'd take you all with me to prove it.
I've got about 15 million happy memories from Christmas. That was just one. I won't even start the rest of the list, but will say that this song is from Home Alone (one of my other favorite Christmas memories). This song always gets me. To all my friends and family, I really hope for all of you that (in your own way) you open Super Mario Bros 2 this Christmas and that you are 8 years old, happier than you've ever been, and that you can experience that moment of total clairvoyance and fulfillment that I had when I was that age. Even if you've never had it, stay hopeful because it's real. I know it is. Because even if I don't ever have it again, it exists somewhere in my memory.
