See You On The Other Side

To all of my friends and loved ones,

I have no time to write this now, so I'll keep it brief. This was a really bad year for me. Simply put, 2009 was one of the worst years of my entire life. It was riddled with depression, anger, and copious amounts of drama and I couldn't be happier that it's finally come to an end.

This song is a large part of what carried me to the finish line.



Here is to a new year full of success, happiness, health, and laughter for all of us.

All of my very best to you all. And thank you.

John

Somewhere in My Memory

Let's say I found a time machine. Let's just say. And let's say, for the sake of argument,  it only allowed me to travel back and forth through time once before it self destructed. I mean, talk about a moral and logistical nightmare dilema super soul test. I've probably done 74 stupid things a day since 1994, so I could probably stand to go back and fix a few of them. Actually, now that I think about it, it's probably been 174 stupid things a day and it's actually probably been since 1991, so I would need a time machine with some more mileage to even put a dent in what I should have done differently in my life. Maybe a nice Japanese model with long life. If they're half as good at time machine development as they are at making superior cars, I'd definitely buy some stock in Taimu Turabaru (sound it out in a Japanese accent) corporation. But even if I didn't go back and try to change something in my own life, I could always also do something noble like go back and save someone's life or stop some heinous atrocity or something. Maybe see some dinosaurs. High five Aristotle. Laugh at Paris Hilton in jail. You know, something cool.

Most people don't know this, but in 1988, Nintendo of America made a really sneaky and business-savy move. They knew the American public wanted more Super Mario Bros, but the sequel was considered too difficult and too similar to the orignal game that they decided not to give them the REAL Super Mario Bros 2. Instead, they took this totally unrelated game called Doki Doki Panic, removed all of the playable characters, replaced those characters with Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Princess Toadstool, and they called it Super Mario Bros 2. I know that this story is both A.) the nerdiest thing you've ever heard, and B.) sounds ridiculous, but it's all completely true. If you don't believe me, look here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Mario_Bros._2

Not only did Nintendo pull a fast one on the American public, but the ad campaign for this video game was the tastiest brainwash that had ever been concocted for an 8 year old mind. I vividly remember watching the commercial and my boy Mario was going OFF! Throwing bombs around, flying on magic carpets, picking stuff up off the gound and throwing it at bad guys. The guy was on FIRE! He didn't do that stuff in the first game! Dude. Sign me the F up. And oooooh SHIT! You could play as his friends! Luigi! Toad! The Princess. Eh, that's kinda gay, but strangley, I really want to try it out! And I remember (really really still have this vivid memory etched in my brain) after I watched the ad, I marched into the kitchen and in my 8 year old Boston accent I said,  "Mum. I just saw this comurshil on TV that showed Mah-rio flyin' and drawpin' bombs, and throwin' bad guys and stuff. It was AWESOME! I rilly need to tawk to ya about this game, but first I gutta go change my pants. So put on some cawfee and when I come back I need to modify my Christmas list." And modify it I did. Super Mario Bros 2 became the ONLY thing I thought about. I talked about it with my friends, dreamt about it, daydreamt about it (screw daydreamed, I'm using daydreamt), drew pictures of it, etc. It was all my 8 year old heart desired and if I could only have that game, life would be fine forever and I would never want anything else again. Really. It became the meaning of life. Simple as that. Actually, it was nice to have that kind of clairvoyance. I've never had it back, but I know it exists and it's that fact alone that keeps me going.

Ever heard of a shortage? That's where something is in low supply and the supplier cannot meet the needs of their clients. Sucks huh? Well, that's what I was told happened in 1988. My mom told me that there was a shortage of video game microchips and that there would likely be no way that I would get Super Mario Bros 2 for Christmas. Santa's elves couldn't make them, Nintendo coudln't crank them out, and there would be a shortage of Super Mario Bros 2 for a long time. No worries, ma. I'm on it.

Produce cyandie capsule. Open mouth. Insert. Chew. Chew, you fairy. Chew it like you mean it! CHEW YOU BASTARD!

Christmas Eve. Don't those two words automatically grab you? I think it's funny that no matter WHAT story you're telling, the fact that it was Christmas Eve enhances the story. "Dude, one time, I was readin' a book. It was Christmas Eve, right?" See? Aren't you interested to see what happened? I'm already sold on it. Anyway.

My great aunt Jean and great uncle Johnnie (on my mom's side) have basically acted as grandparents for my siblings and me. My mom's folks passed when I was really young and although I remember all happy things about them, I have only a handful of memories about my grandfather. Even fewer of my grandmother. But I've always been surrounded by the greatest people and I've luckily had about 3 or 4 grannies and grampas to backfill. Jean and Johnnie were the two that always got my brother and I our "big present". Don't know why or how that started, but things just unraveled that way. Over the years they (and the rest of my family) always came through and in 1988, they didn't disappoint. I remember it was Christmas Eve (calm down) and Scott and I got some clothes and toys and smaller things, but then aunt Jean said, "You and Scotty need to open this one together" and she held up a small bag.

We both reached in and slowly pulled out a box that was covered in tissue paper. From where I was standing, I was looking at the back of the box and Scott was looking at the front. On my side, the tissue paper was folded so that I could clearly see Mario, but I thought the game was Super Mario Bros, which was a game we already had. I immediately felt horrible because I knew that once Jean found out we had the game already, she'd be kicking herself and would be REALLY upset that she didn't get the game we had asked for, so I feigned a huge reaction. I screamed, "Super Mario Bothers!" and tried to maintain a huge false excitement so that my aunt wouldn't feel bad. Even at 8 years old, I knew how seriously she took this stuff. Then Scott screamed.

"TWO!"

What? Shut the F up, Scott.

The entire world went in slow motion. Scott ripped the tissue paper off of the game and the bag fell like the coffee cup in The Usual Suspects.

No WAY this was Super Mario Bros 2. Microchip shortage. Not getting it for Christmas. Maybe next year. All of those things went swirling from my mind like water down a drain as Scott and I stood there and held the video game we had hoped for. It was really there in our living room. We were actually holding it. I almost spontaneously combusted.

I remember losing my mind (with Scott) and hugging everyone in the room. We took off sdown the hallway cheering and running to the TV room to finally play this game that I had dreamt about and thought about and talked about for months. My dad, who will forever be a ballbuster, yelled after us, "Hey I'm watching football in there!!!!" But he wasn't nor would he be.  It was a Super Mario Bros 2 night and it was one of the happiest moments I've ever had.

As it turns out, my aunt waited outside of a store before it opened to get the game, but wasn't issued a number by the clerks because there were none left to issue. So she waited outside the store offering to buy the copies that customers had already bought. I don't know what she paid for it, but that thought has never left my mind. She and my uncle cared so much about us, that they asked strangers to buy a video game from them for a higher price than they paid for it. And they actually got a copy. To this day I'm humbled. And as much as I still appreciate it to this day, it honestly makes me sad that I'll never be able to return that favor.
We were never rich or even well off, but I was always taken care of and I never went without anything. I was fortunate that my family always made Christmas a really special and really happy time . When I was a kid, everything used to make me happy and I was bascially happy all the time. Then I got older, life got more complicated, people started to be dicks, and I had less and less time for myself and enjoyed life much less than I once did. Suddenly I woke up one day and I was an adult with a job and bills and stress. Square that every year and you have me now, and now very few things make me happy. There are maybe about five seconds a year where I get that same feeling I had when I was a kid and I got to open Super Mario Bros 2. I really miss those days when I could get excited and happy about the little things. That being said, if I had that time machine right now, I'd got back to Christmas Eve of 1988 and relive that moment, because I have seldom been happier than that in my entire life. And I'd take you all with me to prove it.

I've got about 15 million happy memories from Christmas. That was just one. I won't even start the rest of the list, but will say that this song is from Home Alone (one of my other favorite Christmas memories). This song always gets me. To all my friends and family, I really hope for all of you that (in your own way) you open Super Mario Bros 2 this Christmas and that you are 8 years old, happier than you've ever been, and that you can experience that moment of total clairvoyance and fulfillment that I had when I was that age. Even if you've never had it, stay hopeful because it's real. I know it is. Because even if I don't ever have it again, it exists somewhere in my memory.

Peace on Earth. Good will toward men.

Porch

Sittin' here on the Group W Bench

I'm thankful today for all of my friends and family. I'm really REALLY lucky.

In about 10 minutes I'll be in the car enjoying Alice's Restaurant on the radio. Every year it's 18 of the happiest minutes of the entire year for me. You can check it out here: http://www.rhapsody.com/arlo-guthrie/alices-restaurant--1967

Yes sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie. I put that envelope under that garbage.

Today, of all days, be good to each other. And thank you all.

John

Kevin Knox and The Battle at Kruger

Stop whatever you're doing right now and think about the nicest person you know. And I mean really think about them. Think about the fact that every time you see them, they're genuinely happy to see you and they're doling out bucket after bucket of kindness to you and the rest of the people around them. Like a disaster relief worker or something. Think about how well they always (really always) treat other people and how everyone who knows them absolutely loves them and never has an unkind word about them.

Now stop and think about how many people in your life that actually fall into that category. Loved by all who know them. Humble. Endlessly kind. Always willing to help or to dispense advice or do whatever it takes to help you and all of those around you. Now add in the fact that, on top of all of that, they're also one of the funniest people you know. Now hold that thought.

On Boylston Street in Boston there was (or maybe there still is) a Chinese restaurant called Jae's and inside there they had a comedy club called "Steve Sweeney's Comedy Cafe". And yes, it's THAT Steve Sweeney. Anyway, one night (I had maybe been doing comedy for two years or so), I was working the door at Dick's Beantown Comedy Vault which is just down the street and we only had two guests show up. The show was cancelled and the other comics suggested we head over to Jae's to catch some of our buddies who were booked on the show.

Now, let me emphasize this lineup. I won't mention any names, but the lineup was probably the best in Boston that night. You had a Boston legend hosting the show and two feature acts that were going on before the headliner. The host and both features are three guys who I still work with from time to time and they are all hysterical comics. Really good at what they do and really REALLY funny. Having only done shows where I had to work for stage time or bring guests to get on, I remember sitting off to the side and thinking "Wow, this is what it's like to work for real. These guys are all incredible. This is going to be insane!"

Now, if you replace the word "insane" with the hyphenated word "horrendously-uncomfortable", then you would be accurately describing most of this show.

I had never seen a professional comic eat it before, but as it turns out, it was Old Country Buffet night at Jae's. The host ate it. Absolutely all of it. Nobody was having any of his material whatsoever. But, like a great comic does when people aren't having his set, he just plowed through and kept the show moving. The first feature went up and ate it worse than the host did. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. These were great comedians and nobody was having ANY of it. It was a horror show. The host brought on the second feature and that poor guy ate it so badly that he joked that someone should throw something at him to put him out of his misery. Someone kindly obliged and a water glass shattered on the stage floor at his feet. Classy. I just remember wondering to myself, "Do these people laugh at anything? These guys are awesome. How the hell can people NOT be laughing?"

So that was the show. Host. Dead. Feature. Dead. Second feature. Really dead. And the crowd showed absolutely no signs of their comedy bloodlust being quenched. I didn't even know what to think. These were three guys I found hilarious and really looked up to and they all died very horrible comedy deaths. I again wondered about the crowd. "Do they hate laughing? Why did they even come to this show?" Just bitter, acidic, annoyed, spiteful, hateful people. And by this point it was very clear that they all wanted vengeance for having paid admission.

I was sitting there wondering how the hell the headliner was going to do at least 45 minutes of material in front of these people. It was going to be an eternity for this poor bastard. I was uncomfortable just sitting there watching, actually happy that I didn't have to perform. It was like watching someone get hit by a car. You know it's coming, but you can't even react. You just stand there and watch in horror as the person is wiped clean off the face of the Earth. The host called him up and I just watched him make the march toward the stage. Dead man walking.

"Good luck, dude. I'm glad I'm not you right now."

Ever seen something so ridiculous that you don't believe it when you see it? For instance, if you have 8 spare minutes and love animal kingdom footage, go on YouTube and check out a video called Battle at Kruger. It's nothing short of incredible. I don't mean to spoil it, but it's footage that a British (maybe Australian) safari enthusiast shot of a pack of Cape Buffalo being chased by a pride of lions. The lions end up chasing down a calf and tackling it on the river bank. They swarm all over it and just start biting and clawing and wrestling it down. Then a crocodile is kind enough to show up, grab the calf by the leg, and get into a tug of war match with the lions where they use the calf as the rope. The lions fight off the croc and then go back to their swarming move. So the calf was gang beaten by lions, attacked by a crocodile while the gang beating was happening, then the croc left and the calf had to endure some more gang beating sans croc. The entire time all you can think about (and yes I KNOW the lions have to eat and it's all part of nature, I know that) is how badly you feel for the calf. I mean, it's murder. Sure you're watching the circle of life, but part of it is murder. And it's horrible. Makes you feel kinda guilty for every steak you've ever eaten. Eh. I digress.

Suddenly, the entire herd of buffalo appear and create a perimeter around the lions. There are probably 5-7 lions and about 25-40 buffalo. And then the buffalo "Oh yeah?" begins. They pick off one lion and send her scrambling. The second one gets hoisted into the air and is sent running. Then another. And another. Running for their lives. And then finally, after 7 minutes of complete and total brutality, they charge at the remaining lions, loosen their grip, and they save the calf. And somehow, it's still alive. Despite everything you anticipated, the calf is alive and well and you just sit there and go, "How the FUCK did that thing survive?" And it's amazing. It's amazing because that's what we love to see as human beings. We love to see people (in this case some buffalo) who are hanging by a thread, pull themselves back from the brink, stand back up on their own two feet, and start swinging again as if they have nothing left to lose. And that was exactly what happened that night on Boylston St. Just when you thought that hope was lost and that the darkness was soon to come, an entire herd of Cape Buffalo stormed the stage and brought the fucking house down. And on that night, the herd of Buffalo went by the name of Kevin Knox.

Knoxie hit the stage and the crowd falling apart in less than10 seconds. He was loud. He was high energy. He was balls to the wall. The material came like an onslaught of f-bomb laden Star Wars laser fire. And the crowd absolutely LOVED it. And he just kept getting stronger and stronger. I realized about 15 minutes into his set that the crowd hadn't stopped laughing the ENTIRE time he had been on stage. And they didn't stop for the entire set. He absolutely crushed at a level I had never seen a comic perform at in real life before. On TV, sure maybe I'd seen it, but never in person. He was unstoppable, hysterical, and incredible. And he had saved the show.

A comedy career is something that always makes for stories. A lot of them are bad and are all about how crazy someone was or how crazy a crowd was, but I have always remembered that night over my years in comedy. It quite literally went from the worst show I'd ever seen, to one of the best I'd ever been lucky enough to witness. A comedian took a crowd full of angry people and made them laugh themselves sick and it was one of the most brilliant performances I've ever seen in any aspect my life. And it came from a guy (remember how I told you to hold that thought?) who was one of the nicest people I've met in the world of standup comedy. He's definitely on the John Porch's Top 10 Nicest People of All Time list. And I will go on record right now and profess how terribly terribly sad I was to hear that he passed away on Monday (11/16/2009) after a long and courageous battle with melanoma.

I didn't know him very well, but in the few instances I was fortunate enough to work with him, all I can tell you is that he was an incredible guy. Always happy and polite and willing to help and dispense advice and do whatever he could to make sure you were in a better place. All the while (and completely unbeknownst to me) he was fighting off cancer. On top all of that, he really was a fantastic comedian. Honestly, I don't feel like my description does him even a microscopic justice, but that is how I always looked at him.

Despite the f-bombs, the guy was of the highest class and caliber. If I can be half the comedian and one tenth of the person that he was, I'll die happy and proud.

Thank you, Knoxie. I'll never forget you nor will I ever forget the night you showed up at Jae's and brought the house down. That was the night where, in my book, you went from comedian to super hero in 45 minutes.

And as you always do, you save the best for last. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Kevin Knox.

It's Been Awhile

Sorry that The Daily Minefield hasn't seen much activity lately. I've had a lot going on and I've been neglecting the site. I'll make some more updates soon, but for now, just enjoy this clip of Pearl Jam covering Devo on Halloween at the Wachovia Spectrum in Philadelphia. I was fortunate enough to be there on Halloween and the boys were closing out the venue. It was a hell of a show.

See you all soon.

Spotlight on Joe Wong

This is Joe Wong. I've been REALLY fortunate to have worked with him a few times. Joe is probably the nicest person I've ever met in comedy. PS - He's an incredible comic and believe me, this Letterman appearance is just a taste. As incredible as this set is (count the applause breaks yourself) I think the thing I like most about him is that English is his second language and he's a better comic in his second language than most of the comics I know who do it in their first language. Well done, Joe. Well done.

Check out Joe's site and then go see him live. http://www.joewongcomedy.com/

Totally Unacceptable

John is that Christmas stuff in the supermarket? Yes, dear friend. Yes it is. I took this photo on Saturday. That is more than two full months before Christmas and they're selling this stuff already. Unacceptable.

If you're reading this and you already bought your Christmas stuff, just know that somewhere in my heart there is a little bit of acidic hatred for you because you're a douchebag. You're probably the same person who bought their kid a Halloween costume BEFORE school was back in session.

"Guess what I'm bein' for Halloween?"

"Nobody cares Randall. It's the first day of school and you're a douche."

See? Douchey parents raise douchey kids. So return all of your Christmas stuff, enjoy Halloween, and THEN go ahead and buy some stuff in November or December. October Christmas stuff? Jesus. If I knew you, I'd buy you a December Valentine's day card that let you know we were breaking up.

PS - Enjoy the anti-douche anthrax I put in that Valentine's Day card.

He's Going The Distance

John, is that a Nintendo cake? You're goddamn right it's a Nintendo cake! My friends Greg and Mal were kind enough to make this for my birthday on Thursday. I'm not going to brag about it, but I just would like to say that none of you guys have a Nintendo cake and I am much better at life than you are. How can you even argue that statement? You can't! Do YOU have a Nintendo cake? No? OK then. You LOSE! You lose and I win and that's just the way this goes. I'm sorry, but you've been beaten. The Nintendo Cake of Mightiness has conquered all and you can mark another victory on the scorecard o' Porch!

OK maybe not. But sincerely, I really do have better friends and family than I deserve. I'm incredibly lucky and I had a great birthday and if any of my friends are reading this, thanks very much for it. It was a great day.

Spotlight on Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg was my favorite comedian. Sometimes I still listen to his CD's or watch his videos and I'm still blown away by the guy. He was one of those few guys whose material was so incredible, that every time I watched him I'd just sit there with a slack-jawed half-grin wondering how he possibly came up with it. He had it all. He was instantly likeable, he was original and inventive, and he had a delivery that was unparalleled.

Unfortunately, Mitch passed away in March of 2005. Sometimes I selfishly think of all of the great material I am missing out on because he's gone, but mostly, I am just saddened because he was someone I really admired and I'll never get the chance to tell him or thank him.

Since you can't go see him, you should go buy his CD's, watch some clips (I've attached one from one of his 8 billion Letterman appearances), and just enjoy the great comedy that he gave us. He was really amazing and he still inspires me.

Thanks, Mitch. Hope all is well wherever you are.

Down & Out

I realized today just what a totally insignificant piece of shit I am. I can't begin to describe to you how depressed I am lately and most of that has to do with my job.

Today I had a manager at work ask me to check in with someone to see if they had any questions about our Office Golf event.

I work for an investment company, and the person who asked me easily makes 50 grand a year and the person I had to ask easily makes 100 grand a year. Keeping that in mind, let me just repeat that.

Today I had a manager at work ask me to check in with someone to see if they had any questions about our Office Golf event.

If you're still reading this I commend you, because when this was asked of me, I almost killed myself right there in front of everyone.

That's how corporate America works, kids. They take 20 minutes worth of work that one person could easily blow through and then chop that into about 50 little pieces. Then they assign other people to complete the pieces, thereby absolving themselves of any wrongdoing should any of the people assigned to the pieces happen to mess up. It also makes them look like they've coordinated something when they haven't coordinated anything except for the coordination of needlessly complicating easily remedied problems. It's bullshit and it makes my soul convulse like a genetically mutated lab rat, cry like an orphaned Jewish kid on Christmas, and bleed blue sadness blood, but it's how you look good at an investment firm.

Think about it. Someone took the time to actually formulate an idea that so-and-so needs to be asked if they have questions. Then they took the time to add that idea to an agenda and asked if anyone would mind taking that task. Now something which could have been handled by simply walking 100 feet to a person's office and having a 20 second conversation is a line item that needs to be checked off of a list. Or an email. That would have worked at any time of the day from any connected computer in the world.

So since it was my task and since we needed to make sure this was done, I did it via email. I did that instead of walking to the person's office because I figured, "Fuck it. Why not waste the most time humanly possible to ask this one ridiculous question?" I actually wished we had some homing pigeons to delay it further. And not even good ones either. I'm talking disreputable, illiterate homing pigeons with drinking problems.

My all-important email went like this:

"I have been asked by the Office Golf Committee to reach out to you to ensure that you don't have any questions about Office Golf.


Lisa, do you have any questions about Office Golf? The drafted rules are attached. Thanks."

That's what my life has somehow become. The grown adult who makes at least 50 grand a year wants you to check to see if the grown adult that makes over 100 grand a year understands the office golf rules.

I should have just done the world a favor and killed myself right then. I mean a big mess too. I mean like Desert Eagle .50 to the temple. Brains all over the wall and stuff. That would have fucked up their whole office golf thing. Mrs. 100K-Per-Year would be doing CRAZY stuff like pissing in the golf holes and
telling the other contestants they are pussies and maybe she'd flick a few of the gents in the penis or something. People would think, "Jesus. If Porch hadn't blown his brains out, this could have been avoided and she would have just putted like a normal person who makes 100 K a year and gets asked questions that a retarded, blind, drunken, retarded gorilla knows the answers to. Too bad that now she flicks dicks, calls people pussies, and pisses all willy-nilly."

On top of that, I found out that the dog in the picture is way cooler than I am. That's demoralizing.

Spotlight on Andy Kindler

Andy Kindler is one of the funniest comics out there, yet outside of the comedy community, I don't know anybody that's ever heard of him. That pisses me off because he's great and you should know about him. So I'm gonna tell you about him.

Andy Kindler is an incredibly funny comic and is vastly underrated. So don't be a douche. Make sure you watch the clip and then go see him live. OK? Jesus.

Cradle Robbers

Do you enjoy being angry as much as I do? Well the sight of this photo should make you angry enough to kick a puppy in the dick and enjoy it more than summer vacation, being popular in high school, and a 21st birthday in Amsterdam on Christmas combined.


I was at Target (you heard right, ladies) and I was fortunate enough to witness this gem of laziness and general disregard for humanity. If you look closely, you will notice that this carriage is not in the carriage cradle. I don't know if those carriage returns are actually called carriage cradles, but it's what I'm going with.

Please just stop and really look at this. There is a carriage in an empty parking space, then there are two empty spaces (very choice for driving a carriage through), and then there is a carriage cradle with an abundance of room for occupants. Plenty of room. Plenty. Of. Room.

What kind of Mos Eisley Cantina reject fuckface doesn't know how to put a carriage back in the carriage cradle? Stray carriages smash up people's cars, block parking spaces, and cause more traffic because people have to get out of their cars to move them! I tried to comprehend how someone could possibly be this lazy, but luckily I had an aneurysm and passed out. I had never had an aneurysm before, but thanks to this miracle of sloth, that has been checked off the bucket list. My feeble chimp brain seized up like an engine and my final thought before it all went dark was, "How could someone be THAT lazy?"

Clearly, a person who doesn't push an empty carriage with wheels across two empty parking spaces to return it to it's rightful resting place just doesn't give a damn about anyone else at all. I'll guarantee that the egocentric, ass-blister douche who did this is the same type of person that chews with their mouth open, pees on the seat, and interrupts people all the time with no regard at all.

Whoever left this carriage out of it's cradle deserves to be forced to watch all the food they ever ingest first be chewed up by random, fat, sweaty, sore-covered, AIDSy strangers before they can have it. Next, they should never be able to finish a sentence without someone changing the subject or tweezing one of their nose hairs. That will really piss them off since, inevitably, whatever they're talking about is definitely about them. Also, they should be forced to sit in pee-pee-squish-cushions every time they sit down in life. I'm talking all the time. Toilet. SQUISH. Couch. SQUISH. Bench in the park. SQUISH. Pew at church. SQUISH. Anything, anytime, anywhere, anyhow. SQUISH. And finally, their car should ALWAYS be covered in random little dings, dents, scratches, and chips from the universal disregard that we (the rest of the world) have decided to reciprocate with.

That seems really harsh, I know. But I'm only saying it should happen because after they have to endure all of that, then maybe there is a possibility that they will start thinking of other people. That's big since they're surrounded by them. Maybe they'll teach their kids to put things away when they're done and to think and use their brains and great stuff like that. "Son, don't be a douche like your old man."

*cue the Shinedown

And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.

This was an angry post. Sorry about that. The next one will be happy. Promise. Oh! And to all of the people that do that leave carriages out of their cradles, I'd just like to say SQUISH you, you lazy, chew-with-your-mouth-open, piss-on-the-seat, ass-faces. I hope someone keys "PUT SHIT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT" into the side of your beamer. Fucker.

The Daily Minefield

Hello. Welcome to The Daily Minefield. This is going to be an AMAZING blog. Like, you've heard of "the shit", correct? Well, "the shit" ain't got shit on us.

You're welcome.